Feelings
by barrowmanangel
Summary: An insight into Bernie's mind and whats shes thinking from the moment she joins Holby to falling in love with Serena and beyond
1. Chapter 1

It was Bernie's first day working at Holby City Hospital. She was trying to leave the army life behind and get her work life balance thing right. it was going to be hard as she couldn't stop thinking about her friend, college and secret lover Alex Dawson. Alex was Bernie's best Friend in the Army they always looked out for each other and a bit more besides that. She tried to put Alex out of her mind while starting her new job.

She parked in the staff car park and got out as her phone went off it was her husband Marcus. she answered it and started chatting away. After a few minutes walked across the car park and ended the call. she heard a load of yelling and cursing coming from across the car park she looked up to see a dark short haired woman moaning at her car. Bernie stopped and stared for a moment. she was of slim build and slightly shorter than herself and very attractive she thought. She then looked down at her watch and noticed the time if she didn't hurry, She would be late for her first shift. everything she saw in the car park went out of her mind as she raced up to Darwin for her first shift.

Later on in the day during her break she went outside. She stood by the entrance and looked around she took a single cigarette out the packet, thought for a moment and went to light it, Her phone went off, it was her husband asking her how the day was going she was about to tell him it wasn't going too well, When she heard someone yelling, She looked up to see it was the dark haired girl she saw earlier yelling at someone down the phone about her car. Bernie stood there for a moment and smiled.

She was the most beautiful person she had ever seen Bernie thought. She wondered for a moment whether it was a good idea or not but then decided she would just go over and help her with the car she did know a bit about them. she wondered over and started chatting it turns out the Woman's name was Serena Campbell and she was a surgeon at Holby city. Serena seem to know all about Bernie. Bernie smiled she kind of liked that, being known to people she didn't even know herself. or was that weird? she couldn't tell but loved it all the same. Bernie got talking to her about quiting smoking. Serena smiled back at Bernie, Bernie left Serena to try and fix her car while she finished the text message she had started a few minutes earlier. she was going to tell her husband it wasn't going too great, but this was before she met Serena and her mood had changed. funny how meeting one person can change your whole mood. she simply wrote Shift going well, didn't bother to go into any details.

Even though she had met a beautiful woman, She still couldn't get Alex out of her mind. Wondering what she was up to. It was one of the hardest thing Bernie had ever done telling Alex she wasn't coming back to the Army and that she was going to try and give her marriage another shot. She at least owed that much to Marcus after all those years away on the front line, or was she just kidding herself how could she keep going on when all she could think about was Alex. It was beginning to effect her work and it couldn't go on. but she decided that decision was for another day, see how it goes for now. Maybe Alex might get back in contact with her?. Who was she kidding of cause she wouldn't, But Bernie clung on to the hope that one day she might.

3 weeks later one morning Bernie was popping to Pulses for a coffee she had a perticually late night and needed something to fully wake her up. Bernie stood at the till looking at the menu just as Serena turned up beside her. they started chatting about work and how it was quite on Keller. Bernie said it was great being having less work to do but in reality she didn't much like would have preferred to work on somewhere like AAU with the fast pace and madness. After all she was an army major turmor surgeon and being really busy was 2nd nature to her. They stood in silence for a moment while they wait for their coffee's they had ordered. Bernie stood in a trance just watching Serena as she collected her coffee. For a moment she stared at Serena and her wonderful figure. Something stirred within her, what could it be love, lust, friendship she couldn't be certain. Serena bid farewell as she took the lift to AAU, Bernie stood and watched as she left. She thought for a second. No snap out of it Wolfe, Bernie thought you're married and you've already had an affair with a woman you're not on the look out for another one, you're meant to be giving your marriage another try. Things at home weren't too good at the moment. She wasn't adjusting to survillian life like she thought she would and the fact she was still very much in love with Alex wasn't helping either. To be fair it was making things worse with Marcus, Bernie was snapping at him all the time and could hardly bare to look at him anymore. Things couldn't go on the way they was. but what was she going to do. what was she going to tell Marcus?. Things had become a total mess. She was working late leaving the house early just to try and have as little contact with her husband as possible.

Nearing the end of her shift while on a break she wondered outside to sit on a bench by the entrance. she was sitting there in a trance when Serena came up and sat next to her. Bernie had never sat that close to Serena before for the first time she could properly see how Beautiful she really was with her big bright eyes and wide smile. They got chatting about family, Not that Bernie felt much like a family person at the moment. She tried to do the right thing by everyone but it wasn't working, it was then she realized that she had to make a go of her marriage try and get something out of it. That was easier said then done she thought. Serena told her to call her if she ever wanted a chat this was a tempting offer to Bernie. But was that a good idea? every time she saw Serena her heart was beating a little too fast and her mouth would go dry. This is what it felt like when she first met Alex while in the Army. This really wasn't a good idea, in future she would have to try and avoid Serena, To make sure she didn't end up falling for her. thankfully just then Sasha came running out calling her name, asking for her assistance back on Keller. Bernie gave a sigh of relief and went back inside


	2. Chapter 2

It's been 8 weeks since Bernie joined Holby City and things were just about getting back to normal. Well what was normal she really didn't know after spending so much time in the army over the years. But her relationship with Marcus was getting better and she had tried her best not to think about Alex. Alex hadn't contacted Bernie once since she had phoned her to say she wouldn't be back. That hurt a lot but she had to be adult about this and give up any hope of seeing her again.

It was a cold day in April, Bernie got out of her car at the hospital and was yelling down the phone at her son, when Serena came by. Bernie was in two minds about seeing Serena again, it had been over 5 weeks since the last time they had chatted. Her mind said don't talk to her, life is getting better with Marcus and she didn't really need another woman. But yet again her heart was telling her another story. Her heart was beating really fast yet again. she sighed, Get a grip Bernie thought you can chat to another woman without falling for them. They started chatting about how Bernie wasn't really a maternal person, Being away in the Army had been mostly to blame for that. She tried her best with her children when she was at home but it didn't always seem enough. Now she had left the army she was trying to get that relationship back with her children, It was going to take time, She was getting further with Cameron than with Charlotte, She seem more the Daddy's girl. it was like Bernie was a stranger to her and Bernie couldn't blame her for that. They walked into the hospital together and went their separate ways.

Bernie was working on Keller with Dr Copland and Dr Digby when she was paged to go to the scanning room to help out. Bernie wondered why she was being called away from Keller. She walked down the corridor and entered the scanning room. Bernie was asking Dr Copeland why she had been paged and what this was all about. But he didn't have a clue what was going on, As he had been paged as well. Then all of a sudden a firmilar voice came from behind her. Bernie's heart stopped for a second she know that voice anywhere. It was Alex Dawson, Alex from the army the one she fell for, the one shes been trying to get out of her mind ever since. loads of questions went round in her head. But foremost she was angry how dare she be dumped over the phone and then rub salt in the wound by coming to work at the same hospital as her. Bernie turned round to see Alex standing there with a small grin on her face. Seeing Alex after all this time awakened so many feelings inside of her she thought she'd managed to bury. Her mind was racing at 100 miles an hour as Alex was explaining about the patient she had in the scanner. Bernie was thinking all sorts, but she was trying to be calm about it all. She tried so hard not to show any of those feelings and to act professional about it all. Do the job in hand and get out of there. But at the same time she was so mad how dare she come back after all this time. Life was beginning to get better again, with Alex and the army behind her. Who was she kidding life wasn't that great, in the past few weeks she has become even more distant with Marcus. In her mind she would love nothing more than to leave Marcus and run away with Alex. But there was the little matter that no one even knew she was gay, she'd lived the last 20 odd years as a lie, lying to herself and lying to others.

Just then there was a problem with their patient and they rushed to help him. While they was working to save their patient, Bernie's heart was racing. She couldn't help but feel something, the old magic spark between them, like when they worked on the front line together. After managing to stabilize their patient, Alex proclaimed it was just like old times. Bernie thought for a moment, i can't let this happen i can't slip back into old habits. she quickly walked out of the scanning room. Her head was thinking one thing but her heart was feeling another and it wasn't right. This was all too confusing for her and she needed space to get her head around it. Ric came in to congratulate them on a great team effort. Alex went onto talk about how they knew each other from the army, and how good Bernie is as a medic. Alex was also explaining how they both got blown up by the same IED and that she pulled Bernie to safety saving her life. Bernie owed her life to Alex, she quite liked Alex being the hero, although she wouldn't admit it. Alex always admired Bernie for the medical skills and was why she paged to help out. Bernie got a bit annoyed that Alex had just told Ric all about her life in the army. Bernie had been at Holby City about 8 weeks now and managed to keep that part of her life hidden, until now that was. She was quick to pull Ric aside and plead her case to get someone else to handle the case and not Alex. How dare she rock up just as i'm getting on with my life. she had got use to life without Alex and the army and now Alex was back she didn't know what to feel anymore messed up wasn't the word


	3. Chapter 3

Bernie, Alex and Dr Copland checked on the patient later in the day. While in the room together Dr Copeland was asking Alex why she had decided to leave the army. Alex was in the mist of telling him when Bernie interrupted them and sent Dr Copeland out to chase up some test results. Bernie was getting even more annoyed at this point. She asked Alex what she as really doing here, but didn't expect the answer she got. I don't like loose ends. Alex then gave Bernie those puppy dog eyes, the ones she always found hard to resist. Alex would mostly use them in the army when she would ask Bernie for her help and she would refuse. Alex would give her the eyes and Bernie would drop everything and come running. Loose ends that's rich coming from someone who dumped me over the phone when I told them I wasn't coming back Bernie thought. Alex was becoming harder to resist as the day slowly went on and it was really messing with her head. Bernie didn't want to go back to her days in the army when she would hide away with Alex, grabbing love where ever she could. That was her old life and she was trying to leave it behind.

Bernie and Alex went into the corridor. They started to argue, Alex's words Rang around Bernie's mind. We can't all press rewind and start over. She had a point, but Bernie was desperate to try, if not for her, for the sake of her family. Alex swore her secret was safe. But in that one moment Bernie wanted the whole world to know, she wanted to give up lying and tell everyone she was gay. But thought better of it. Deep down she was still very much in love with Alex and happy that she had come back, she just didn't want to show it. She was trying to do the right thing. She was doing what her head thought was best not what her heart wanted. Something stirred within her; Bernie was still very much in love with Alex and her coming back just made it worse. She always loved the way Alex would call her Bern no one else ever did that. Alex stormed off, Bernie watched her leave.

Later on after checking on their patient, they walked off down the corridor Alex was asking Bernie how life being back with her family. Bernie wasn't prepared to discuss it with her. Bernie was getting even more annoyed than usual. How dare she come here and ask all about my life when. I haven't even spoken to her in over 11 weeks. She just said fine and hoped that the conversation would end there. But it didn't, Bernie yelled at Alex to leave the hospital. More of Alex's words rung through Bernie's ears. I'll go when I got what I came for. Bernie stopped dead. Alex really wasn't about to give up easily. Bernie liked that about Alex, if she was after something she would fight for it. It looks like she's going to fight for Bernie. But in all reality Bernie couldn't give into Alex, that wouldn't be right.

Both of them ended up operating on their patient with Dr Copeland helping. Alex started chatting away about their life in the army Dr Copeland was asking questions. Bernie loved working with Alex side by side, not that she would show it. She was getting more and more angry with Alex as she was revealing more about their life in the army. Bernie was such a private person she really didn't like people knowing about that part of her life. They had to battle to save their patient, which they were unsuccessful in doing so. Just for a moment Bernie looked into Alex's eyes and saw the perfect woman she had left behind, there was a small spark behind those eyes that Bernie couldn't resist. They went to scrub out Alex was trying to reassure Bernie that it really wasn't her fault. Alex tried to reach out to Bernie but she wasn't having any of it. She was afraid that if she got close to Alex that she would fall for her all over again and she couldn't let that happen.

Alex came into the locker room to see if Bernie was OK. Alex was trying to get Bernie to tell her the truth about her feelings. Bernie really wasn't one to open up about how she felt. It was then Bernie realized she had been stupid to run back to her husband instead of going back to Alex. She really thought it was the right thing to do. But nothing at home was going right anymore; she really didn't want to admit it thought. Bernie really wasn't good at admitting when she was wrong. She always liked sticking to the rules even when she knew in her heart that's not what she wanted. Bernie turned and smiled at Alex she hadn't realized how much she missed that big smile of hers. In fact she missed everything about her. At that moment in time she thought to herself, all she ever wanted was staring her in the face and coming back to her family was the worst thing she could have done. Deep down she knew she didn't love Marcus anymore, just didn't have the heart to tell him that. Bernie wanted to thank Alex for getting her out of there, but Alex wasn't having any of it she would gladly do it again for the woman she loved. Bernie missed the army so much, but more than that she had missed working with Alex. Bernie held Alex's hand, her heart was pounding. She looked in to Alex's eyes, oh how she missed spending hours just holding onto Alex and looking into her big dark eyes. They moved closer to each other their noses touching they kissed. For the first time since she came to Holby She was happy it was the best feeling ever, having that contact with her best friend and lover and she was going to do whatever it took to keep her. As they were kissing Bernie could see out the corner of her eye that Dr Copeland had noticed them. Oh shit she thought this can't be happening no one must see this. She pulled away telling Alex she couldn't do this deep down she wanted it but didn't want others knowing. She ran out of the locker room.

She ran after Dr Copeland. Finally she caught up with him; he was explaining how he's sorted all the paper work and her just need to sign it. Bernie was trying to plead with Dom not to tell others about what she had just seen. What happens if others find out, what if this gets back to Marcus? She thought. She couldn't bear being the main gossip around the hospital. Dom was telling her that her private life was her own before leaving the room. What did that mean? Bernie couldn't tell for now however she hoped it meant he wasn't going to say anything.


End file.
